“The world is going to hell, Rhett; MY WORLD is going to hell . . . that’s all there is to it. I mean … think about it, I’m fifty-freaking three and my best days are behind me”.
“You’ll be 54 in two months”, I said, “then you’ll REALLY be screwed”. He smirked, then stifled it – he wasn’t going to let me show him how ridiculous he was being. He went on with dramatic effect, describing the act of “staying current” with technology (he’s a CIO), like a kind of professional waterboarding – coming up for air after completing a new certification, only to be dropped back down into a suffocating sense of “what was still lacking”.
“Let me tell you a quick story”, I said. “A couple of days ago my son realized he didn’t bring home a needed paper to complete his homework. He started to cry and get upset, so I said, “if it’s that important let’s go over to the school, maybe break a window and crawl inside, pick the lock, get the paper and …. “right Dad, like we could do that”!?
“Oh”, I said, “so we can’t do that”? “Well, is there ANYTHING we can do tonight to make a difference on that assignment”? “No”. “OK, do you have something we CAN work on tonight”? “Yes”. “OK”, I explained, “can you see how it’s useless to worry and waste energy on things you don’t have control over”? “Yes”. “One of the secrets to life”, I said, is focusing on things you can change, things you can control and then letting everything else go. That’s all you can do”.
My client appreciated where he thought I was going with the story and how it applied to him. “But wait”, I said, “there’s more to it than you might think”.
First, most of us don’t connect to the idea of focusing our efforts on things we can control, which includes our thoughts. “Stop for a second”, I told him. “Think about what you’re constantly telling yourself … realize that your mind and heart are internalizing it. . . “your best days are behind you” and descriptions of waterboarding (brilliant metaphor, by the way). How can it not negatively affect you”?
“Trust me, it’s affecting your search and your personal life in ways you don’t even recognize and it has to stop now or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You simply cannot soak in a “hot tub of self-doubt and negativity” all day and then, at a moment’s notice, turn on the happy and self-confident you. It doesn’t work. People sense something’s off, fake or inauthentic and when it comes to interviewing – that’s fatal”.
Second, in addition to being more mindful of our thoughts and our self-talk, we must also control the external sources that act as a kind of “mental Miracle-Grow”, negatively feeding our minds and growing our fears on a day-to-day basis. To be clear, you should consider anything that isn’t positive – a negative. If it causes unnecessary stress – it needs to go. It could be listening to the news, following Politics too closely or even watching Rob Lowes new TV show (nobody in the real world looks that good)!
I’m reminded of an article I read many years ago from the fantastic Author Jack Canfield. It was good then – it’s golden now.
It’s Your Response that Counts
by Jack Canfield
In these troubled economic times, when everywhere you look there’s a rumbling of great uncertainty, I think we should all take a pause (and a deep breath) to think about our lives.
Are we moving in the direction we want to be? When things happen in the world that seem so far beyond our individual control, it can feel unsettling. And even though we think we are the masters of our own success, watching the news these days can chip away at our beliefs.
Even in tough economic times, you get to decide how to respond to certain conditions, opportunities, and outcomes–both good and bad.
While I don’t claim to be an economist, I do know one important fact. The economy is the same for everyone, it’s how you respond to it that determines how you feel about it.
It’s yet another example of what I’ve been teaching for years. . .
E + R = O
(Events + Responses = Outcome)
The basic idea is that every outcome you experience in life (whether it’s success or failure, wealth or poverty, wellness or illness, intimacy or estrangement, joy or frustration) is the result of how you have responded to an earlier event (or events) in your life.
If you don’t like the outcomes you are currently experiencing, there are two basic choices you can make:
Choice #1: You can blame the event (E) for your lack of results (O).
In other words, you can blame the economy, the weather, the lack of money, lack of education, racism, gender bias, the current administration in Washington, your wife or husband, your boss’s attitude, the lack of support, and so on.
No doubt all these factors exist, but if they were the deciding factor, nobody would ever succeed.
For every reason it’s not possible, there are hundreds of people who have faced the same circumstances and have succeeded.
It’s not the external conditions and circumstances that stop us — it’s us!
We think limiting thoughts and engage in self-defeating behaviors. We defend our self-destructive habits with indefensible logic.
We ignore useful feedback, fail to continuously educate ourselves and learn new skills, waste time on the trivial aspects of our lives, engage in idle gossip, eat unhealthy food, fail to exercise, spend more than we make, fail to tell the truth, don’t ask for what we want, and then wonder why our lives aren’t working.
Choice #2: You can, instead, simply change your responses (R) to the events (E) until you get the outcomes (O) you want.
You can change your thinking, change your communication, change the pictures you hold in your head (your images of the world) and you can change your behavior (the things you do). That’s all you really have any control over anyway.
Unfortunately, most of us are so engrained in our habits that we never change our behavior.
We get stuck in our conditioned responses – to our spouses and children, to our colleagues at work, to our customers and clients, students and the world at large. You have to gain control of your thoughts, your images, your dreams and daydreams, and your behavior.
Everything you think, say, and do needs to become intentional and aligned with your purpose, your values, and your goals.
If you don’t like your outcomes, change your responses!
Here’s an example of how this works…
Do you remember the Northridge earthquake in 1994? I do! I lived through it in Los Angeles.
Two days later I watched as CNN interviewed people commuting to work. The earthquake had damaged one of the main freeways leading into the city. Traffic was at a standstill, and what was normally a 1-hour drive had become a 3-hour drive.
The reporter knocked on the window of one of the cars stuck in traffic and asked the driver how he was doing.
He responded, angrily, “I hate California. First there were fires, then floods, and now an earthquake! No matter what time I leave in the morning, I’m late for work. I can’t believe it!”
Then the Reporter knocked on the window of the car behind him and asked the driver the same question. This driver was all smiles.
He replied, “It’s no problem. I left my house at five am. I don’t think under the circumstances my boss can ask for more than that. I have lots of music and Spanish-language tapes with me. I’ve got my cell phone. Coffee in a thermos, my lunch – I even have a book to read. I’m fine”.
Now, if the earthquake or the traffic were really the deciding variables, then everyone should have been angry. But everyone wasn’t.
It was their individual response to the traffic that gave them their particular outcome. It was thinking negative thoughts or positive thoughts, leaving the house prepared or leaving the house unprepared that made the difference. It was all a matter of attitude and behavior that created their completely different experiences.
If we all experience the same EVENT, the OUTCOME you get will be totally dependent upon your RESPONSE to the situation.
If you take control of how you respond to life, you’ll start noticing that your outcomes will be more along the lines of what you have always hoped.
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